Let the competition begin.

One of the rare things that I agree with Garrison Keillor on – besides his dislike of George Bush – is his belief that “Mother's Day is a fake holiday perpetuated by the greeting card industry and the florists, but it's here to stay, so make the best of it. The president is a fake, too, but we still pay our taxes.”

If you haven’t read his column on Mother’s Day, I urge you to do so. Originally printed in the Minneapolis Strib, it’s been reprinted everywhere from Salon.com to JewishWorldReview.com. If I had any intelligence or html smarts I’d be able to put a little link right here. But I don’t, so you’ll just have to go find it yourself.

I’m with Garrison on the made-up holidays—I think they’re ridiculous and I hate to cow-tow to the pressures of capitalism and artificial sentimentality. My kids will confirm that I said it first, but Garrison beat me to the publishing punch. Of course, I usually succumb to guilt and either mail my Mom a card several days late or call her around 9:30 pm.

Like birthdays, I think Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are for kids. They are holidays made for classroom arts and crafts involving paper plates, construction paper, plaster and anything that sparkles. Anyone under the age of 21 needs a reminder that Mom and Dad have (mostly) put their kids’ needs ahead of theirs. Like buying a mini-van instead of a sports car. Or celebrating a birthday at Chuck E. Cheese instead of the St. Paul Grill.

Lest you think I’m a heartless old biddy, I have saved every little thing that my kids have offered up over the years. (Evidence pictured from the MadgeWorld archives.) Love. Sacrifice. Sentiment. I’ve got it in spades—including all the notes to the Tooth Fairy and their teeth to prove it.

Yes, young’uns—you should remove yourself from the center of the universe and give Mom a hug and a homemade card, even if it is only once a year. But, here in MadgeWorld we believe that once you’re an adult—you’re off the hook on fake holidays. Don’t be calling on May 14th if you haven’t had the heart to keep in touch the rest of the year. That’s like going to church only on Christmas Day or Easter Sunday.

Garrison’s Mother’s Day challenge is to skip the cheesy cards and obligatory dinners and write her a sonnet. “It costs you nothing except time and effort.” That’s right, a sonnet. Me? I’m not that fussy. I’ll take a sonnet whether Shakespearian, Spenserian or Petrachan. But will open it up to haiku, couplets, free verse, whatever. A-B-A-B rhyme, AA-BB rhyme. Extra points for dactylic rhyme.

Oh, one more thing. The Old Scout suggests the following for a first line: "When I was disgraceful and a complete outcaste." That might screw up your haiku, so let's just use that as your THEME.

The playing field is level, one day only. No extra favors for your own offspring, serving our country, being in graduate school or being able to pay your own rent. Bring it on, kids. Submissions now open. (I may even write one for my mama.) Please include a SASE if you wish to have your manuscript returned.

Currently listening to: Al Jolson, My Mammy.
Enjoying: Coffee and toast.
Today’s plans: Gardening. The battle begins.